The loudest parts of our arguments were always the silences. No matter how much you trust someone, or how much you love them, if you have ever really been hurt or have had your inner-self crushed, you will manage to bite your tongue for better or for worse. My mind works faster than my mouth, though this is nothing to brag about. Everyone should have the common sense to know when to stop speaking. My sentences, half-formed, are really just the audio evidence that somewhere my mind is making a valiant effort to stop speaking. Emotional failure. What happened to me? What happened was fighting life while living as a ghost to your own people. Say the right thing, do what is expected, question not but don’t be such a dim witted failure as to not question.
Wanting to love and being able to love are two different things. I have been raised on classic literature, which promises the reality of unconditional love. There is no reason to seek comfort when the stories tell us that comfort should come to you with ease and open arms. I decided to believe it. Why would it not be true if everyone and everything had promised it to me? Wanting to believe that you are loved and being loved are two different things. There were many times when people told me that they loved me and I did not believe it. Sometimes it was because I didn’t want to believe it, other times it was because I was sorry to hear that it was true. Wanting to make it true will not make it so.
How do you decide on the effective route for hiding yourself, your feelings and your deepest desires? There is always someone waiting and wanting to “break down the wall”. I never picked up a brick to build it. A wall implies that there is something inpenatrable. I am willing to face any exposure if the right question is asked. The strongest sledgehammer is often no match for a real curiosity to know something better. When I was young I wanted to be an artist and I wanted to smell what fresh snow is like in Alaska and I believed that I could accomplish every expectation that was laid before me. Does that make you know me? If you told me that you wanted to be a pilot and were scared of wolves and stole your first bottle of wine, does that make me know you? How do we know if this is enough? Not by what is said, but by what if felt when you hear it.
When you decide to grow up and you make firm decisions about where you want to go in life, does that mean that you have matured? I have watched much happiness and sadness occur and then pass with little care as to how it affected me. This universe has reduced us to cosmic specs of comedy during our run here on Earth. Having a want or a need means everything to you and nothing to others. With each change I have made a decision to go on for better or for worse. Meanwhile the universe moved on without the slightest concern that I had just accomplished my greatest feat or suffered my strongest blow. If this is indeed all irrelevant, then why does it mean so much to me?
One of the greatest tragedies to befall humans is that we are given the option to believe or ignore love and desire as being the same thing. I have met people who admitted to not knowing desire or passion or a hunger and want for someone. A trite, confined love exists in their mind, no doubt placed there by the same books that applaud and demand an unconditional love. How do you explain yearning? Is it possible to create a want for someone to have so that they can experience the physical manifestation of desire for another human being? Until you have suffered such an occurrence it is impossible to describe what one will do to satisfy those feelings when compounded with rejection or hurt or an impossibility to relate what it is that has left you helpless. Perhaps you believe yourself above such nonsense. In that case I strongly recommend a humbling trip to your lowest hour of desperation when wishing above all else to be understood.
The ghosts of our emotional self haunt us if we let them. The mind and memory will play tricks and sometimes allow us to traverse the past with pleasantries; sometimes it does not. When we physically walk to the end of a line and stare out in to the mist that hides our futures from us, we can choose to step into the unknown and off the cliff of the razor’s edge or continue to shy away from what we hope to believe. The bravery that we hope that we hold within ourselves is not always tested by feats of great urgency. It is harder to be brave in simple moments of self doubt. The great Fear that exists and creeps into our consciousness is faceless and exists in a darkness that we often cannot see until it has consumed the space around us. To step into the light and make the choice to be greater than the Fear, that is when we allow our soul to shine out into the infinite universe and be acknowledged for the individual, loving, brave person that we hoped to be and are.
